When Enabling Becomes Disabling

Many people I know often identify themselves as “enablers,” whether it’s in relation to their spouses or intimate partners, their parents or siblings, their children, or even their friends and colleagues. Whatever the relationship, most people have been guilty of "enabling” someone at some point in their lives. And many of you reading this have been, or might currently be, enabling someone close to you without even realizing it.

To put it simply, enabling refers to helping someone engage in unhealthy patterns of behavior, intentionally or unintentionally. Even more simply put, enabling means helping that someone stay stuck.

A classic example is that of the person who is enabling another to maintain their debilitating addiction to drugs or alcohol. The enabler might be providing food, shelter, and/or money to the drug abuser, preventing them from hitting “rock bottom” and getting the help that’s needed. More often than not, the enabling behavior is unintentional because it is confused as love and support, when, in actuality, the enabler is disabling their loved one.

Another example, one that is less discussed and even more common, is that of a loving parent who has supported their child financially into adulthood, and then wonders why their now adult-child is unemployed, or still living at home, while not pursuing an education or vocation. In some situations, parents may even move their adult-child's intimate partner into the family home, who is also unemployed, and both are showing no interest in pursuing anything at all (except perhaps bearing children). Believe it or not, these situations happen all the time!

While there are most likely so many additional factors that apply to both of the examples above (these occurrences are rarely so simple), the bottom line is this …

To Enable is To Disable

If you think you are (or know you are) enabling someone close to you, try replacing the word enabling with disabling, and be curious about whether or not you might be causing greater harm than good to that someone in your life.

Then, ask yourself if you want things to change. If the answer is yes, your best bet is to start changing YOUR behavior in order to give that someone a chance at changing theirs.

If the light bulb has turned on in your mind’s eye, then you’re one step closer to effecting change.

The question then becomes …

HOW do I change my behavior in these circumstances?

As mentioned, every situation is rife with complexities, most likely requiring more help than this generalized post can offer. However, there are a few steps listed below that might help you begin shifting away from the disabling patterns so that you and the other can move towards a healthier dynamic.

First and foremost, any change starts with awareness of the issue (I trust the light bulb is still on). If you’re recognizing that you are, or have been, a disabler, then congratulations ... you are officially in a state of awareness and in a more empowered position to understand the disabling pattern(s) at play.

Second, begin to identify the boundaries you need to create between you and the other and set those boundaries in motion by informing all necessary parties. Some of you may already know what those specific boundaries look like, while some of you might be unclear about what a boundary even is. In the latter case, or even in both cases, I highly recommend working with a professional (or consider attending a support group) to gain more understanding around the parameters needed, how to set them, and why they are crucial to lasting change. The key with boundaries is identifying what behaviors you will and will not tolerate and expressing them clearly.

Third, it is imperative that you establish consequences in the event a boundary is violated (sounds scary, I know).

Finally … perhaps the most terrifying of the steps (but not really):

ENFORCING THE CONSEQUENCES WHEN BOUNDARIES HAVE BEEN VIOLATED.

To break it down for all you acronym lovers ...

"I SEE"

Identify the Disabling Pattern(s)

Set Boundaries

Establish Consequences

Enforce Consequences

Keep in mind that a boundary is less effective if there is no consequence attached. And a consequence serves no purpose if it is not enforced.

Make sense?

Much of the work I do revolves around helping others understand their family dynamics, in order to effect change within their family system. And while the resistance to change can be powerful beyond measure, try to remember that if you’re enabling someone close to you, you’re disabling someone close to you.

I have observed monumental changes in individuals, couples, and families, primarily because unhealthy and destructive patterns of behavior have been identified, healthy boundaries have been clearly set, and consequences have been established and enforced.

Working with a professional can be empowering for anyone in need of change. If that light bulb is still on, then consider reaching out to a therapist for support in changing your behavior. Please also consider attending support groups through NAMI, or 12-step meetings such as Alanon or CODA, to help you feel more empowered to make changes in your life, while simultaneously empowering those around you.

Please visit the Resources page on my website for links to the support groups mentioned above and stay tuned for more posts on healthy boundaries within the family system.

Published with Gratitude ...

Anahita Kia, JD, LMFT

www.AgouraHillsTherapist.com

(c) 2018 Anahita Kia, JD, LMFT