What the Phub?

"Phub Me? Phub YOU!" So what the phub is phubbing anyway?

In today's digital world, smartphones (and really, all of our smart devices) have become our constant companions. We rely on them for work, staying connected to our family and friends, engaging in social media, and more often than not, endless scrolling. Unfortunately, this seemingly harmless habit can quickly become problematic, quietly eroding the intimacy that so many couples already struggle to experience. 

Enter "PHUBBING" ... A modern term that combines “phone” and “snubbing,” referring to overlooking your partner in favor of your device.

So What Does Phubbing Look Like?

It's possible you're doing it right now! So here are a few examples of those who phub:

• Checking your phone every time it rings, even during a conversation

  
  

• Keeping your phone on the table and scrolling through it during a lull in conversation

  
  

• Glancing at your phone while someone is talking to you

  
  

• Prioritizing your phone over in-person activities with friends or family

  
  

• Keeping your phone close by even when it's not necessary, such as in the bathroom or beside your partner in bed

To break it down, phubbing happens when one partner prioritizes their phone over direct connection with the other. It’s not just about occasional phone use or use during crucial business hours — it’s persistent scrolling, texting, gaming, or checking notifications during shared time with your intimate partner.

While it may seem minor, the impact on relationships can be profound.

How Phubbing Affects Intimacy:

1. Erosion of Communication & Quality Time. Quality conversations coupled with quality time are essential for partners to feel valued and recognized. When one person is unable to break away from their phone or is repeatedly distracted by their phone's connection to the outside world, the relationship suffers. Phubbing reduces meaningful dialogue and limits individuals from connecting with one another in real time.

   
   

2. Emotional Distance. When one partner is consumed with their phone, the other will feel undoubtedly ignored, unseen, or even abandoned. Often, what happens next, is the hurt partner will then reach for their phone and a total breach of connection is under way. This would be the the perfect example of "phub me?? oh no, phub you." Over time, this repeated pattern results in the absence of person-to-person connection, then a quick slide into the abyss of relational turmoil.

   
   

3. Decreased Physical Intimacy. Emotional closeness, for most people, fuels physical and sexual intimacy. As you may already know, physical intimacy in relationships is the sharing of affectionate or sexual touch that can foster greater closeness between partners. When emotional connection wanes due to phubbing, the not-so-smart-phone becomes the paramour or, for lack of better word, the home-wrecker.

   
   

4. Increased Conflict. Conflict is the tension that arises when partners have differing needs, values, expectations, or perspectives. Feeling physically abandoned and emotionally neglected can spark arguments, agitation, and general malaise between both parties. It's easy to see that our devices connect us to other people, their social profiles, cute cat videos (guilty), the latest in workout routines, and high protein (and let's not forget fiber) recipes. But the obsessive overuse can further relational misunderstandings between partners leaving one, if not both, with ... RESENTMENT.

   
   

5. Go Phub Yourself! Resentment is a lingering feeling of anger or bitterness that develops when unmet needs, perceived injustices, or unresolved conflicts accumulate over time. Phubbing creates resentment by making a person feel ignored, unimportant, or less valued than a phone. And when resentments go unresolved, contempt can easily follow, and that's when relationships begin to break down.

Why We Phub:

In other words, why does my phone hold more value than my partner sitting right next to me?

• Social / Work Pressure: The need to respond immediately to work, friends, or social media / "It's Part of My Job!" Is it really that urgent? Or can it wait?

  
  

• Boredom: A state of restlessness that arises when you're feeling uninterested, under-stimulated, or disengaged with your current environment. So what would you be doing with your partner if you weren't on your phone?

  
  

• Habit: A behavior that is repeated regularly and occurs automatically, without much conscious thought. Phubbing has become mechanical, even reflexive, in current times.

  
  

• Addiction: In the case of phubbing ... a compulsive dependence on your phone that you can't stop, despite harmful consequences to your intimate relationships.

  
  

• Seeking Social Validation: The need to be "liked" these days = post more --> like more --> get liked more = feel good about yourself. How real and reliable is this source of validation?

  
  

• Fear of Missing Out: The worry that others are having rewarding experiences online without you. What if you have a rewarding experience with the one you say you love?

  
  

• Stress Relief: Using your phone to escape stress, anxiety, or real life struggles, including relationship conflicts. Checking out rather than checking in with yourself and getting proper help to manage the overwhelm.

  
  

Strategies to Combat Phubbing:

• Communicate About Device Use. Share your feelings about phubbing ... How does phubbing affect your relationship? Let your partner know how phubbed up you're feeling, as it's possible they don't even know how deeply you're being impacted.

  
  

• Make Agreements!

  
  

  • Create Phone-Free Time. Dedicate certain hours for uninterrupted connection - such as during meals, evenings/post-work hours, and/or during bedtime routines.

    
    

  • Create Structured Hours of Device Use. Acknowledge the hours/ times during the day when phones and other smart devices can and need to be used. 

    
    

  • Make Plans! Establish date night, try new restaurants, go on walks together, be proactive about planning one-on-one time, and remember to flirt with each other! Go from phubbing to fu ... (you know where I'm going with this).

    
    

  • Be Present. Look at your partner, listen, and give your full attention during shared time. Remember, small gestures of presence reinforce emotional and physical intimacy.

Reclaiming Intimacy in the Age of "Smart" Devices ...

Everyone phubs. And phubbing isn’t a sign that love is fading. It’s a symptom of modern life’s constant distractions, though still a threat to our intimate connections. If you can recognize the habit, communicate openly about the toll it's taking on you and your relationship, create healthy boundaries and intentional connection rituals, you can safeguard the emotional and physical intimacy of your relationship and experience romance the way it was always intended ... With great love and presence.

Moral of the story ... Quit phubbing around!

xoxo,

Anahita