Feel Free to Feel | Why Allowing Emotions Is a True Act of Strength

“Feel free to feel.”

It’s what I say to just about everyone I know - from clients, to friends and family, and even to strangers I’ve met along the way. I frequently sense emotional pain from a distance and watch people struggle to keep their emotions tucked away, fearing the result of displayed distress. Somewhere along the way, we humans learned that it’s not appropriate to have feelings or show feelings - and that if we do, we are “weak.”

We’ve learned that we are not safe if we show vulnerability. That others may judge us, take advantage of us, or deem us “too sensitive” or “unstable.” When the truth is, those who allow themselves to feel know that their vulnerability is, in fact, their greatest strength.

Where We Learn Not to Feel

Ever hear the person holding the crying baby say … “Shhh, don’t cry?”

Right.

That’s where it all begins.

We teach our children not to feel without realizing the detrimental effects this message has on their mind, their spirit, and their body. When we hear, “Don’t do that!”, we can easily feel shamed, without ever knowing what shame actually is.

Shame implies that we are bad. Fundamentally bad. Not that I’ve just done something wrong, but that I am wrong. My existence is wrong.

If I shed a tear because I'm hurting, and someone tells me not to do that — repeatedly — and I’m a young, impressionable child just trying to do what is natural (feel pain because I’m hurt), then I learn that I am bad for having feelings.

So I disregard my natural instinct and succumb to the more socially acceptable response of hiding my emotions, because that is deemed strength of character.

Hmm… not so much.

Emotional Pain Is Real Pain

Emotional pain. Physical pain. It's all the same because pain is pain. And to prevent further suffering, pain needs to be felt. When someone breaks a bone, it hurts. Recovery time is needed. The same is true of emotional injuries. Grief, loss, trauma, the death of a loved one, a breakup, sexual assault ... These injuries take time to heal - and feeling the pain is a must. Those around the injured party must also learn to allow that person the space to feel.

Most People Were Never Taught How to Feel

The sad truth is, most people don’t know how to feel. I remember when I was very young, someone asked me to distinguish between my thoughts and my feelings, and I looked at them thinking, what is this weirdo talking about? 

I didn’t know how to identify a feeling, let alone feel one. But I learned. And that’s why therapy can be so helpful.

Therapy is an educational experience. It’s where you can learn how to feel, learn how to accept, learn how to live with pain, and learn how to live with joy.

Feel Everything — It All Passes

That’s why I say: Feel free to feel. And feel everything! The good, the not-so-good, all of it. Feelings pass. They come and go. Then they come again and go again.

Knowing that feelings are transient, while creating the safety you need to feel, will help you let go of anything that is keeping you stuck.

Give Yourself Permission (Even If No One Else Ever Did)

If there are people around you who don’t understand you, or who have never given you permission to feel, do yourself a favor—give yourself permission. Let their approval or disapproval go. Truly allow yourself the freedom to feel every feeling you are experiencing.

If you’re unsure how to identify a feeling, get help doing so. Reach out for support—call a friend, join a support group, work with a therapist, talk to a teacher, pet an animal, connect with a higher power, surround yourself with others who are connected.

True Strength Is Self-Connection

True strength lies in:

• Self-connection

• Self-awareness

• Self-acceptance

Self-connection is about getting to know yourself and that requires identifying your feelings. Remember, your feelings don’t define you. They are part of you in whatever moment you’re in, whether that moment is happy, sad, or scary.

Letting yourself be who you are in any given moment requires that you feel what needs to be felt without self-punishment and without fearing judgment, from others or from yourself.

Feeling Is a Gift

Giving yourself time to feel is a gift. It allows you to move forward lighter, with more ease, with less emotional weight, and with less suffering.

My wish for you is to let yourself feel have your feelings. It's so worth it.

Reach Out for Support

If you’re struggling to understand your emotions, you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help you learn how to feel safely, build self-connection, and move through emotional pain with compassion. Reach out today to begin creating a space where your feelings are welcome.

Written by Anahita Kia, JD, LMFT, a solution-focused therapist who helps individuals navigate mental health concerns, relationship challenges, and addictive patterns of behavior.