Feel Free to Feel

It’s what I say to just about everyone I know … from clients, to friends and family, and even to strangers I’ve met along the way. I can sense emotional pain from a distance and I often watch people struggle to keep their emotions tucked away in the abyss of their mind, fearing the result of displayed distress. Somewhere along the way we humans have learned that it’s not appropriate to have feelings or show feelings, and that if we do, we are “weak.” We’ve learned that we are not safe if we show vulnerability, that others may judge us, take advantage of us, or deem us “too sensitive” or “unstable.” When the truth is, those who allow themselves to feel know that their vulnerability is in fact their greatest strength.

Ever hear the person holding the crying baby say … “shhh, don’t cry”?

Right.

That’s where it all begins.

We teach our children not to feel without realizing the detrimental effects this message has on their mind, their spirit, their body. When we hear, “don’t do that!,” we can easily feel shamed, without ever knowing what shame actually is. Shame implies that we are bad. Fundamentally bad. Not that I’ve just done something wrong, but that I am wrong. My existence is wrong. If I do that thing, you know, like shed a tear because I am hurting, and someone tells me not to do that thing, repeatedly, and I’m a young, impressionable child just trying to do what is natural (feel pain because I’m hurt), then I am learning that I am a bad child for having feelings so I disregard my natural instinct, and succumb to the more socially acceptable response of hiding my feelings because THAT is deemed strength of character.

Hmm … not so much.

Emotional pain, physical pain … it’s all the same. Pain is pain. And to prevent further suffering, pain needs to be felt. And those around the injured party must learn to allow that person the space to feel. When someone breaks a bone, it hurts. Recovery time is needed. Well the same is true of emotional injuries. Grief, loss, trauma … death of a loved one, a break-up with a romantic partner, sexual assault ... These injuries take time to heal. And feeling the pain is a must.

The sad truth is, most people don’t know how to feel. I didn’t. I remember someone asked me to distinguish between my thoughts and my feelings and I looked at the person thinking, what is this lunatic talking about? I didn’t know how to identify a feeling, let alone feel a feeling.

But I learned. And that’s why therapy can be so helpful. It’s an educational experience. It’s where you can learn how to feel, learn how to accept, learn how to live with pain, learn how to live with joy.

That’s why I say … feel free to feel, and feel EVERYTHING … the good, the not so good, all of it. Keep in mind, feelings pass. They come and they go. And then they come again, and go again. Knowing that feelings are transient, while creating the safety you need around you to feel, will help you let go of anything that is keeping you stuck.

If there are people around you who don’t understand you or have never given you permission to feel, do yourself a favor and just give yourself permission to feel. Let their approval or disapproval go. Truly, allow yourself the freedom to feel every feeling you are experiencing. If you are unsure about how to identify a feeling, get help doing so. Reach out for support … whether you call a friend, join a support group, hire a therapist, reach out to a teacher, pet an animal, connect with a higher power, surround yourself with others who are connected.

True strength lies in self-connection, self-awareness, and self-acceptance. Self-connection is all about getting to know yourself, which involves being able to identify your feelings. And while the ‘self’ is made up of SO much more than this post can offer, remember that your feelings don’t necessarily identify you … your feelings are part of you, in whatever moment you are in … be it a happy moment, a sad moment, a scary moment.

Letting yourself be who you are in any given moment requires that you feel what needs to be felt without self-punishment, without fearing judgment from others or yourself. Giving yourself time to feel is a gift you give yourself … this gift allows you to move forward lighter and with more ease, with less emotional weight, with less suffering.

My wish for you is that you feel free to feel. It's so worth it.

With Gratitude,

Anahita