Understanding Anger

Anger is a complex and natural emotion that everyone experiences at various times in their lives. It can range from mild irritation to intense rage and can be activated by many factors, including one’s present environment, one’s upbringing and culture, and also organic biological/physiological factors. Understanding anger involves recognizing its causes, effects, and learning how to manage it constructively.

Causes of Anger

Some causes of anger include the following:

Fear: Anger often arises when someone is actually threatened by a person or situation, or perceives a threat to their emotional and/or physical well-being. Feeling vulnerable or afraid may lead to a defensive response and anger is widely recognized as a common and automatic defense mechanism. Anger is often the “fight” response of fight/flight/freeze, our body’s biological mechanism that takes action in the face of any threat.

Pain: Anger is often a front … covering up emotional pain that is percolating beneath the surface. Past or present experiences of hurt or disappointment, including past instances of abuse, as well as any type of trauma, can contribute to a person’s tendency to respond with anger or consistently live in a state of anger. Anger in this case serves to protect one from feeling the deeper painful emotions that can be challenging to confront.

Grief/Loss: Loss of any kind often activates anger, as anger is recognized as one of the 5 Stages of Grief outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s. Everyone experiences loss in life. But not everyone understands what they may experience when grieving, or how to process and move through life with grief. Sometimes it’s easier to stay stuck in the stage of anger, though this may not always be a conscious choice, nor is it a healthy way of living.

Depression: Studies have shown that depression in teenagers and in men can manifest through angry and rageful behaviors, though I personally believe that any human being, regardless of age or gender, has the capacity to misappropriate their sadness into angry acts. Anger is often deemed an acceptable emotional response in many cultures and in general society, rather than the sadness that may lie beneath the anger.

Loneliness: While feelings of loneliness fall into the category of emotional pain, I believe loneliness needs to be highlighted separately as a cause for anger. I read in Lori Gottlieb’s highly recommended book, Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, that “angry people are lonely people.” And not enough people have this awareness. Any person of any age can feel lonely at any point in their life. If you’re feeling lonely, be mindful of your behaviors to see if you’re leading with anger in your day-to-day affairs.

Boredom/Lack of Purpose: Questions around one’s purpose in life, as well as unmet expectations or obstacles in achieving goals, can lead to boredom and frustration, which may manifest emotionally and behaviorally as anger.

Physical Pain: Physical injuries and accidents resulting in injury can cause tremendous suffering, as anger is a primal response in these situations. I highly recommend reading any Jon Kabat-Zinn literature, as he created an 8 week mindfulness-based program rooted in managing chronic pain.

Injustice: Unfair treatment or violations of one's rights can often activate anger, not just on a micro/personal level, but as we’ve seen in recent times, on a macro/societal level as well.

Unmet Needs: In all relationships, a person’s needs must be identified and expressed, and ideally met. Many people don’t even know what they need, while others do know, and are unable to share for various reasons.

The Effects of Anger

The effects anger has on people will vary from person to person. Below are just a few examples of how anger may impact an individual:

Physical: Increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscle tension, headaches, back pain, and other physiological changes.

Mental/Emotional: Difficulty managing thoughts, ruminating, catastrophizing, thinking negatively, feeling resentful and hostile, feeling consistently stressed and anxious, and oftentimes feeling hopeless.

Behavioral: People may express anger through aggressive behaviors, verbal outbursts, or passive-aggressive actions, such as “stone-walling” or using sarcasm in dialogue.

Relational: Uncontrolled anger can strain relationships, leading to communication breakdowns and avoidance of others/isolation from the outside world.

Managing Anger

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with anger, it goes without saying that seeking professional help is warranted and recommended. Because anger is so complex and so layered, working with a therapist is beneficial so that you can better understand the root causes of the anger and develop a tailored treatment plan that best fits your needs.

Below are just a few ways to manage your feelings of anger so that you may experience not just temporary relief, but ultimately long-term relief, when practicing the techniques on a daily basis.

Identification: Identify the situations/events that tend to provoke anger in you. Maybe you’re going through a divorce or another major life transition … Or maybe it's a person, your family, or even your workplace that’s upsetting you? Take the time to get clear about what's upsetting you.

Practice Relaxation Techniques: Deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation can help give you space from the anger and can help effect feelings of calm and ease. With a more relaxed disposition, you may be able to determine whether there are deeper feelings of fear, pain, or grief beneath the anger. Consider downloading a meditation APP that you can incorporate into your daily routine or simply take three deep breaths before you get out of bed each morning, to start your day feeling a bit more grounded.

Communicate Effectively: Learning how to express your feelings is a necessary life skill, even more so when you’re experiencing anger. Assertive communication skills building is a common goal in therapy, so that you can learn to identify and share your feelings (using "I" statements), and ultimately express your needs. Keep in mind that anger is often the product of an unmet need, especially in romantic relationships. Learning the difference between assertive, aggressive, and passive communication is critical in learning how to articulate your needs in any life situation.

Problem-Solving: Address the root causes of anger by finding constructive solutions to the specific issues that provoke it. Consider reaching out out to family or friends to help you brainstorm and achieve resolution.

Phone A Friend: Reach out to your friend group or to anyone that you feel is a supportive person in your life and share how you're feeling. Confide in those who are closest to you because remember, sometimes angry people are lonely people. If you feel you have nobody to reach out to you, consider calling a crisis hotline or attend any kind of 12-step meeting, or even visit a local church (please visit my resources page for more information). Community is key.

Time-Outs: Take a break from a situation that's causing you anger so that you can reset and gain perspective. Consider drinking a glass of water, splash water on your face, get outside for some fresh air.

Journal: Some people find that writing is helpful in releasing intense emotions. Grab a pen and some paper or order a journal online and give yourself time each day to document how you're feeling. Stay committed to the process and include gratitude for the good things in your life.

Lean Into Spirituality: Be it religion, a yoga or meditation practice, a 12-step program, or simply praying at the end of each night for protection ... having faith in anything is always better than having faith in nothing.

Exercise/Play A Sport: Exercising and playing sports are effective ways to channel both the physiological and emotional effects of anger. Get out, get moving, and enjoy some healthy competition from time to time.

Be In Nature: So many people connect to nature in deep ways and oftentimes they connect to a greater source of energy being under the sun, by the ocean, hiking in the mountains, and so on. The elements of nature can help clear your mind and shift your mood.

Understanding anger involves a commitment to self. Personal development requires attention, time, energy, and willingness. The desire must exist for you to want to make changes in your life. I hope this information is helpful to those of you who are seeking relief from any anger you’re currently experiencing. Please reach out for help if your situation feels unmanageable.

With Gratitude,

Anahita